Inxili Yam: Etiquette for tenderpreneurs



IF YOU are one of those newly hatched millionaires in South Africa today, suddenly benefiting from a windfall (read huge tender), how do you celebrate your newly found bounty?

Well, here’s quick guide for those unsure of the South African way to impress others with your newly acquired millions.
First, you must buy an expensive car instead of a house. The reason for this is that a house stays rooted in one place while a car can reach even the smallest corners where many potential admirers of your wealth live.
Before visiting your poor friends at ekasi (location) make it a point that you personalise your number plates to say something like “BABY 1 EC”. This will score great points for you.
And don’t forget to wear dark sunglasses, to hang your elbow out of the window and to play music at full blast as this will give you that extra loud “just made it” look.
You can then take your poor friends for a spin, amidst beer drinking and long lectures on how to operate your complicated car.
After this public display, you can build your eight-bedroomed mansion on a piece of land overlooking the sea. This should guarantee you access to a beach.
Never mind the fact that you can’t divide yourself into pieces to sleep in all the rooms at once. Also, be sure to have swimming pools, helipads and I believe bunkers are really in right now!

Remember to put up a big electric fence to keep those bitter losers who have no stamina for winning meaty tenders at bay.
Your mansion won’t be complete without an air-conditioned prayer room, complete with an electronic Bible, some pre- recorded prayers and the most comfortable cushions for your soft knees. This room will come in handy when you occasionally feel overcome by sin for hooking that tender. Then you can play your pre-recorded prayers to massage your conscience.
After this, you must urgently airlift your children out of those poor location schools into former model C schools. Be careful to choose a proper “rich school” as some unscrupulous principals now resort to using battery powered life-sized white dolls that play like rich children to lure rich people like you to their poor schools.
Stick to those schools that reflect minimal transformation as this will be your quality guarantee when it comes to education. You can then wear that expression of sweet pride, powered by the thought that you have broken into that exclusive world of the rich, something your poor community can only dream of.
Finally, you can now occasionally escape to exotic islands by private jet. There you can become a beach boy for the first time in your life.
You should also use every opportunity there to throw parties with the guests while only wearing designer clothing and eat sushi off the semi-naked bodies of young women. This will earn you a good slice of media attention.
It also may make you gag. Gag on the realisation that we still have a long way to go in fighting the mental slavery of selfishness spawned by the storm of apartheid. But sadly overcoming the newfound feeling of security provided by vain flashiness and selfishness will be a struggle for many generations to come.

Zwelani Ncube is from Molteno


  1. I want to be one of South Africa’s millionairs, Lord make one of them pleas!

    Thanking in advance for your trlly understanding.

    Your’s Faithfully
    Gcezengana Nkosentsha

  2. I always had a sense that columnist like these should educate and inspire others. In this article I get a sense of bitterness about the wealth of others. My view is always that those who have more money than others will always be seen as spending it recklessly. So who cares? Columns like these should be used to inspire and educator others and not to offer unqualified flawed analysis on subjects that are understood very little.