When youngsters hit their teens, greater freedom of choice is something most take for granted.
Many choose a partner to hang out with, go on to marry the person and spend the rest of their lives with them.
But because of the custom of ukuthwala some rural girls never get to decide between Themba and Sipho. While the practice is outlawed without the girl’s consent, and she has to be of legal age, the tradition continues in certain areas of the former Transkei.
Ukuthwala is an African tradition where a girl does not choose who she marries.
She is often caught unawares when her in-laws take her to the man who will father her children. It can happen in one of two ways:
lThe family of a man may meet with the family of a girl, they negotiate lobola for her and agree that she will be sent on an errand like going to fetch water. On her way to or from the river her new husband’s family will “snatch” her, often kicking and screaming, and take her home with them. The newlyweds are expected to live happily ever after;
lThe other way is that a man will notice the girl he wants to wed, and send his people to snatch her when she is alone doing chores like collecting firewood. Again, she is often kicking and screaming when she is snatched.
After she arrives at her husband’s family home a delegation of men will be sent to her family to inform them that she is safe and that they should not look for her.
The families then negotiate lobola.
In an ideal world the young woman would be given a choice – does she want to get married or does she want to return home?
Singama said when she was expected to consummate her marriage she resisted.
“I spent the better part of the night fighting him off. He told me he was my husband and that silala nge ngubo enye . I was resisting – biting and scratching him. The room was dark and he hunted me as I kept dodging him. But I could not keep it up. He had his way with me,” Singama said. The couple had 10 children.
She said of her three daughters, one chose her own husband and another was subjected to ukuthwala in 2008, also when she was 16. Her daughter also learnt to love her husband and they now have two children, she said.
Nophumzile Tyali, 63, was also subjected to the tradition but was 19 at the time. She does not agree with the continuation of the tradition in modern times.
“Young women must be given a choice. If a man wants to marry her he must speak to her. Even if he wants to marry by way of ukuthwala, he must get her consent.
“Even though I got married years ago and it was through ukuthwala, my husband did ask for my consent. He was handsome and gentle with me and I agreed. —siyab@dispatch.co.za