Life is so tricky at times‚ in fact most of the time. As many have learnt in this past week thanks to young mom Ntando Duma and her baby daddy Junior De Rocka‚ parenting is even trickier.
Be that as it may‚ these three things shouldn’t confuse any fully grown human being. Trolling is not okay. Trolling kids is in-humane and unacceptable.
No one has a right to judge a mother for the choices she makes for her child’s sake.
It’s not okay to assume that all dads aren’t good fathers just because most of them aren’t. I am going to tread very carefully so that I do not cross any of those lines that become super blurry when parenting gets real‚ particularly on social media. I’ve observed the insults‚ insights‚ hashtags and opinions that followed the two lengthy statements released by Ntando and Junior earlier this week.
I must openly state that as I write this I am not a BIOLOGICAL mother. Before you decide to judge me for even thinking I have a say‚ note that as a young woman who was orphaned in her teens and by default is deputy parent (aka first born child) I am a mother of two younger girl siblings.
Yes… that doesn’t compare to birth pains and unconditional mother’s love but elements of parenting and love both exist in me‚ so I am going to forge ahead.
The saddest thing that his whole saga made clearer was that a child or children caught in the middle when mommy and daddy don’t see eye-to-eye have zero chance of not being hurt.
Not that absent fathers or 'bad' mothers (women accused of using their children as weapons) are new phenomena. It’s a sad norm‚ particularly in South Africa where the number of reality shows about DNA tests‚ dysfunctional families and missing fathers are just a glimpse of the real statistics.
In the midst of the jokes‚ trolling and judging there were so many sad stories from children who have now grown up. You know… the ones who were caught in the middle or the ones who were left with the parent favoured by the law but who didn’t really "want them".
The kids who were subjected to “abuse” in the name of love and the ones who were shamed for their parents’ decisions.
One actress said her father won custody and then lived his best life and treated them like roommates and another tweep said her mother left her at her dad's house to “teach him a lesson” but she ended up missing a school term because he never bothered to apply or buy uniform for her. She was the biggest loser.
I feel lucky to have been in the custody of my grandmother when my mother died. Her love and parenting remains undisputed and I know there are a few lucky kids who landed into warm arms of aunts or uncles‚ foster parents or even a single mother or a single father who gave them love and everything else that mattered.
Here’s the point I’m trying to drive home‚ whatever causes the unfortunate separation between parents‚ the main priority should always be to ensure that the child makes it through with as little damage to him/her as possible. At the end of the day the child really didn’t ask to be born and it ain’t his/her fault y’all don’t like each other or whatever.
Also… in case we are all pretending social media isn’t adding fuel to the fire‚ I am here to say it does. Does it even help? Does it change anything? Did Insta and Twitter increase the money or change the way people looked at you? Did it?
Maybe it did or not‚ but here’s one thing we now know for sure: one day those lengthy posts will come back to haunt the child. It will never‚ ever be erased and that is the saddest part of all.
Truth is‚ there’ll still be bullies at school in 2035 or whatever and you have just given them ammunition against your very own child.
This piece wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t say that I believe R3000 can go a long (like a loooong way) in helping to maintain a child (particularly an early toddler who ain’t even at crèche yet). But that is a very personal statement.
Different strokes for different folks‚ I guess. It would also be totally amiss of me if I neglected to say that if - as a baby daddy - your lifestyle implies that you can blow the same amount at a club without hesitation… you need to do better by your baby!
Oh uh‚ I may have crossed a line here… oh well *shrugs*..