Capable South African women still live in fear of harm from men

We all want to feel safe.

Most South Africans would agree we need loads of effort to create a society that is safe enough for optimal growth and development.

We have just emerged from Women’s Month and the visual images of the recent department of social development’s television advertisement, to sensitise the nation to the scourge of violence against women, echo.

The advert, which depicts the shattering, breaking and wrecking of dolls and lights bulbs to represent the damage women experience as a result of verbal, physical and sexual violence makes a strong and necessary point, yet this was somewhat lost by depicting women as inanimate objects.

Certainly, the advert illustrates that there is little chance of us thriving as a nation, community or work force if a culture of violence hangs so heavily in the lived relationships of men and women.

In many instances, women who make steady advances in their careers, who can chair meetings with a balance of sensitivity and decisiveness, who can steer beleaguered organisations into healthier situations or who grind daily, in menial work, to get their children through better educations, navigate a tense reality at home.

The reality that the man's frustrations, his disappointments, his anger, can spill over into harm, whether expressed through low-voiced gritted teeth or well-aimed punches stands in bald contrast to their experiences at work.

I believe most women in our country walk in fear of potential harm.

Years ago I was sharing at a kitchen table conversation with family, including my daughter’s partner, that most times I enter toilet facilities at a shopping complex, I assess my risk of potential attack.

I prefer it when the women’s loos are first in the corridor, so that there is less chance of being pinned in a corner, right at the end of the corridor by a strange male who may wish to harm me.

On hearing of this vigilance, my son-out-law offered a heartfelt “sorry” and said he was surprised to hear the fear that walks everywhere with us.

And when the source of women’s fear of harm comes from the man who is also their lover and father of their children, the damage multiplies.

Violence is multilayered, and besides engaging in hours of listening to Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication method during the early days of hard lockdown, I haven’t read books on it, I haven’t attended courses on it, and usually I like to offer perspectives in this space, where I have some anchorage in theory.

It is a safety net that offers me a measure of assurance when there is a body of knowledge from which I offer my perspective.

In spite of this, common old garden wisdom tells us that we live what we learn.

The use of violence as a parenting strategy is well known throughout time.

When we haven’t engaged with talk about our behaviour from a very young age, we don’t have the opportunity to learn to talk about our experience and describe it to another person.

Often hits, smacks, slaps, pinches and swats come at us without knowing what we have done.

It is hard to rationally engage with what we have done when we are in pain, shock and confusion.

Learning to resist the blunt object of violence against children, in my view, would really help us become a less violent society.

Adults who were hit often as children are more likely to use violence, whether verbal or physical in later conflict.

I was moved to tears the other day at a workshop on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) when the facilitator asserted that male infants are comforted less, either through expressions of care or touch when they cry.

By shutting down male expressions of emotion from a tender age their frustrations, disappointments and insecurities often mutate into anger, and we know violence is most borne from anger.

Violence is a blunt object when we as humans have so many other strategies to foster collaboration and co-operation in our human relating.

Violence does shatter, wreck and break relationships and senses of self.

We all want to feel safe as it is a basic human need and by simply committing to expressing more kindness in your sphere of influence, we can help our fellow human beings feel safe whether at home, at work or in our communities.

— Lorna has a PCC (Professional Coaching Course) from UCT and is a counselling psychologist. Her first degree was in journalism and writing remains a first love.