YOUR MARRIAGE: Communication breakdowns to blame for most divorces

According to a 2021 study by the social development department, communication, both the lack thereof as well as toxic interaction, is cited as the number one reason for why couples divorce in SA.

It may be significant disagreements about finances, in-laws, raising children, life goals and simply the inability to manage conflict, or it may just be a display of toxic and emotionally abusive communication patterns such as silent treatment, exerting controlling behaviour over one another, gaslighting, narcissism, or just taking one another for granted.

A dysfunctional communication pattern is a toxic manner of speaking and interacting with your spouse that shuts down true connection, inhibits forward action, becomes energy draining, lowers self-esteem, and can affect the overall health and wellbeing of a marriage.

The following are few examples of a communication dysfunction in a marriage:

Emotional invalidation

This refers to an attempt to get your spouse to believe their emotions are the issue instead of the actual problem or conflict at hand.

To emotionally validate your partner means learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of their emotional experience.

To invalidate their emotional experiences means to make them feel rejected, ignored, or judged.

This is often displayed even in such subtle statements such as, “You’re too dramatic”, “You’re too sensitive”, or “You just need to get over it or move on”, whenever emotions are expressed.

Jumping to conclusions

There are two ways we can jump to conclusions: mind reading and fortunetelling.

Mind reading is an extremely common mistake that tricks you us to thinking we actually know what our spouses are thinking or why they are doing something; and fortunetelling involves thinking we know what will happen in the future.

Both these ways are distortions in the brain, which means that they can be inaccurate, skewed and habitual ways of thinking. 

Jumping to conclusion can have a devastating consequence in a marriage.

Defensiveness

Instead of listening and seeking to understand your spouse when they are expressing concern, you jump into placing blame and shrugging off responsibilities.

It’s self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack.

The minute you get defensive, you stop listening and build a wall.

It leaves your spouse feeling unheard, uncared for and hopeless.

Don’t always view a correction or being held accountable as an attack.

Projection

This is a defence mechanism of attributing undesired traits or actions that exist in you to your spouse.  

This can look such as making accusations such as “You’re probably the one lying” in response to a stated concern.

Projection is the incredibly toxic habit of casting your emotions, insecurities, and expectations on to your spouse, rather than taking responsibility for them yourself.

Do you see your spouse as they are? Or do you build them up to be someone that they are not? 

Build a better marriage by learning how to stop seeing only what you want to see in your spouse.

We have to see one another as we truly are, accept that, and take action.

Own and adjust your feelings, traits and behaviours for the benefit of your marriage.

Keeping scores

This is a control dynamic where the two of you as a couple avoid addressing conflict by bringing up a past conflict or wrongdoing to “one up” each other.

Instead of dealing with the issues at hand, you keep bringing up past issues as a response to the current concern.

If the issue in the past was not dealt with adequately, then bring it up independently of the current issue and genuinely move on from it.

Destructive criticism

Imagine all your efforts, even constructive suggestions, being met with disapproval and objection by your spouse.

Instead of addressing the problems you have with their particular behaviour and how it affects the marriage, you attack their personality and values.

No-one likes being attacked, especially when it comes to who they are naturally.

Excessive or negative criticism can take a toll on self-esteem and may cause stress, anger and resentment.

When you feel attacked, the hurt may compel you to retaliate towards the complainer or blamer, causing escalation of negative feelings and behaviours.

Name calling

In other words, using insults as a way to control or modify your spouse’s behaviour.

This can look such as using derogatory language or mean-spirited comments or “jokes”.

Name-calling is a contemptuous behaviour, and contempt is a top predictor of divorce.

Name-calling is a display of disrespect for your spouse, and makes them feel bad about themselves.

Contempt from the person with whom you are supposed to feel secure and protected could put the future of your marriage in doubt.

Silent treatment

This is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse.

It’s when you use silence to express your displeasure, disapproval and contempt for your spouse through non-verbal gestures without the use of direct communication.

It is shutting down, withdrawing, or pretending that your spouse isn’t present as a way of punishing them, avoiding issues or displaying disapproval.

When silence, or rather the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, it becomes the “silent treatment”.

Avoidance

Denying, ignoring or “sweeping issues under the carpet” can look such as refusing to take ownership over your behaviours, often by refusing to admit or lying about your actions, refusing to talk about problems or issues, or ignoring the reality of the problems or issues entirely.

Deflection

This is when you’re consistently changing the subject to redirect blame towards your spouse (externalisation) and avoiding personal responsibility.

This is displayed when you’re blaming your spouse for being the cause of your own verbal, emotional or physical abuse by saying things such as “If you didn’t X, I wouldn’t have Y.”