Have yourself a scary little Christmas: What our leaders want from Santa

PREMIUM

He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s going to find out if you’ve been naughty or nice. Yes, Pravin Gordhan is coming to a state-owned enterprise near you. But that’s all for next year. Now ’tis the silly season and time for dreaming about what might be. And for our politicians, that means writing letters to Santa …
“Hello Santa! Yes, it is really me, Jacob Zuma. Eh-heh. I am sorry about the scratched out-words at the top of this letter. They said: ‘All you have to do is write a letter and this nice uncle who lives far away will give you whatever you want’, so I started my letter with ‘Dear Atul’. Apologies. Santa, please will you bring me between R15m and R30m? It’s for something called ‘legal fees’. (I went onto Google and learned that ‘legal’ is a word related to something called ‘laws’.) If you can’t get it all down the chimney just leave it by the chicken-coop, marked ‘For Attention: uBaba’.” – Jacob, 76 years old, Nkandla.
“From the Desk of Mmusi Maimane. No, seriously, this is my desk. It is. Helen has her own desk. Look, it’s got my name on it, there, written in soft pencil on that paper plaque. So, Santa, as you probably know, everyone in my party calls me – what? No, it really is my party. Seriously. Anyway, they all call me ‘The Leader’, even when I’m around. I used to really dig it because I thought they were doing it as a sign of respect. But now I’m starting to worry that they’re doing it as a kind of study aid, to constantly remind themselves of who I am. So, Santa, could you please bring me one of those huge belts that boxers wear, with a massive gold plaque on the front that says ‘DEFINITELY THE REAL, LONG-TERM LEADER OF THE DA’?” – M. Maimane, 38½.
“Revolutionary Greetings from the Revolutionary Headquarters of the Revolution, written with a Revolutionary Bic by the Revolutionary Hand of the Leader of the Revolution, His Most Commanding Commanderiness, CIC-in-Chief-In-Command, Julius Malema. Heita, Santa. I’m sorry I’m sending this so late: I thought it was Christmas back when VBS was making it rain and I got my dates a bit mixed up. Firstly, thank you for your revolutionary generosity over the years: every Christmas since 2013 I asked: ‘Please can I have another year of Jacob Zuma as president?’ and every year you delivered. But now times are a little tougher, so I was wondering: could you please make sure that nobody actually reads our economic policies before the election and realises that our plan is to turn South Africa into Venezuela, except with no oil? Revolutionary thanks on a revolving basis.” – J. Malema, 37¾, Sandton.
“Hello Santa! AfriForum here. Man, you know, we were wondering what we should ask for, but we’ve got pretty much everything we want. (Thanks, Codesa!) So instead of a present, we were thinking that perhaps you could just tell us a beautiful story that fills us with bliss and wonder. Something we can listen to over and over again, to cheer us up whenever we feels sad. So tell us, Santa, and don’t leave out any details: what’s it like living in a place where everything is white?” – Kallie, Pretoria, mid-19th Century.
“Greetings, running dog of neo-conservative neo-colonialism. Given your history as an exploiter of alienated elf labour, we reject you and your bourgeois masters with the contempt you all deserve. However, Comrade Blade does have some pretty hot wheels, so if you do have a spare 7-series lying around, we would not protest its donation to our struggle. Also, to prevent the leadership collective being distracted by logistical difficulties, such as who gets the car on weekends, perhaps it would be better if you gave us each a 7-series. Just to guarantee solidarity. Long live.” – South African Communist Party, 97.
“U R AN OLD WHITE MAN AND THEREFORE GOOD FOR NOTHING BUT SLAUGHTER! GO TO HELL, BEARDED DEVIL! DO NOT POLLUTE THIS SON OF THE SOIL WITH … Are they gone? My rent-a-crowd? Christ they’re exhausting. And this beard! BellPottinger told me it’s very Che, so I keep growing it, but jirre, the itching in this heat! So. Sorry about all that before, it’s just to keep morale up. Santa, you know what I want. No. Not what I want. What I need. What I crave. Publicity. Please, Santa. I’ll do anything. I’ll say anything. Just get my face on TV. I beg you. It doesn’t even have to be TV. Just a headline. Half a headline. A word. Anything.” – Andile Mngxitama, theatrical race hate at lowest prices, no fixed abode.
“Btekf fsf ig g $# sky pdk ae. X?” - Bathabile Dlamini, 56 in human years...

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